


Anchor

by howlingsaturn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 19:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19216465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: when Alec breaks up with Magnus as part of Asmodeus' deal, Magnus falls apart.(set after 3x18)





	Anchor

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in less than an hour so i can't really explain what it is but writing it helped me get rid of some emotional baggage so i wanted to share it nonetheless. xo

**"It felt like you threw me so far from myself**

**I've been trying to find my way back**

**ever since** "

 

**rupi kaur**

 

* * *

 

Nothing hurt quite like watching Alec walk away from him.

Nothing like reaching out for something that is within your grasp. Nothing like feeling the breath taken straight out of your lungs. Nothing like screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear, no one _wants_ to hear.

 

"I didn't know that the spark inside you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good."

 

You stole it, Magnus thinks. It didn't disappear with my magic, with my will to keep going, with my optimism. It disappeared with _you._

Magnus stands in shock for a moment. His heart beating so strongly against his chest, it makes his lungs work twice as hard to get air into his system. He can't breathe.

He clutches his chest and reaches for the table, stumbling as he takes a couple of unsteady steps. His other hand presses against the wall and he tries to keep himself upright. The pressure around his throat grows tighter and tighter still and Magnus thinks he's going to faint. He feels dizzy, the world in front of his eyes turning in and out of focus, and he tells himself to breathe, to _just fucking breathe_ , but his body isn't listening. He collapses to his knees, chest rising and falling heavily, as he reaches into his back pocket, pulling out the omamori charm.

He's drowning. Losing his anchor means he's sinking, further and deeper into the blackness of the ocean; with nothing to pull him back to the surface, nothing to keep him grounded, steady, _loved._

Oh how wonderful it was to be loved by Alec, to be able to fall into someone and trust them to catch you. Loving Alec is all consuming. It's like a blanket that wraps around you to shelter you from the cold. Like the first rays of sunshine that tingle your skin. Like taking a deep breath standing at the ocean, the low rumble of waves a calming symphony. It feels like sweetest of chocolates, the taste so remarkable you'd never get enough of it. Loving Alec, Magnus thinks, is the easiest thing he's ever done. Losing him, by far the hardest.

 

"Magnus, I can't."

 

He's alone in this world. He isn't really but he is. Alone, scared, devastated, _lost._

Magnus has had to endure a lot of heartbreak but this one feels different. He really wishes it didn't, wishes it just felt like every break-up does: painful, but manageable. This one, he feels in the tiredness of his body, in the ache of his heart, in the soreness of his throat, in the quietness of his mind. It's what loving Alec felt like: all consuming.

It takes hold of him, squeezing and pushing and pulling, and Magnus can't do anything to stop it, to make it go away.

All of his strength leaves him at once and he sags against the wall, breathing his first breath since what feels like hours.

It doesn't get better from here.

The first intake of oxygen makes him choke, tears spring to his eyes and he's once again left a little lightheaded. Sobs wreck his body, leaving him shaking and shivering. He clutches the omamori desperately, the edges cutting into the palm of his hand, but the pain helps. It allows him to focus on something different, takes his mind off the white noise in his ears.

 _He's gone_ , his mind tells him. _He's gone and he's never coming back_.

_It's your fault._

_You've pushed him too far._

_You've put too much burden on his shoulders._

_You should've never given your heart away._

At the end of the day, Magnus is glad he got to love Alec, for whatever short amount of time he was allowed to. He was happy. Things weren't easy, never with them, but he was happy. Being able to fall asleep next to him, wake up with him by his side, sharing soft hugs, sweet kisses, loving smiles and serious talks, it was all worth it. If Magnus had the chance he'd to it again, whether it still ended in heartbreak. He'd chose Alec, over and over again and would not regret a single one, not a single day and minute he got to spend with him.

But he understands why Alec left. Magnus can be a bit much sometimes. He isn't mad at him for turning the other way, for taking the easiest one out. If their places were reversed, Magnus would probably do the same thing.

Maybe they weren't meant to be together. Maybe it was always going to end like this.

 _Maybe_ , says his brain.

 _You're wrong,_ whispers his heart.

What they felt was real, that he is sure of. He loved him and he knows Alec did too. He may have fallen out of love, unlike Magnus himself, but he did care for him, deeply and honestly so.

Magnus can't blame Alec's heart for desiring something or _someone_ else, can't blame him for choosing what's best for himself. And that, Magnus sadly admits, wasn't him.

It's not like Magnus has ever been good at taking care of his heart. Now that Alec has teared down all of his walls, he's going to have to build them up again. But with the way they are broken into tiny, bloody pieces, Magnus isn't sure he can.

_Maybe he's going to come back?_

His heart is a trickster. The pain inside his chest a reminder of that. He shouldn't trust his heart to love someone who's not going to break his heart. He shouldn't trust his mind to keep himself from still having hope. These days, Magnus finds it really hard to trust himself at all.

He's not gonna move on from this, he knows.

Losing his magic was one thing, losing Alec is a different story all together. It's one Magnus never wanted to read, never wanted to even open or hold in his hands, but now that it's been ripped apart, turned to the darkest of pages, Magnus can't do anything but stare. His mind blank, his body frozen, Magnus let's the harmful words wash over and the agonizing pain that follows them consume him.

He's never going to be okay again, not really.

But he weren't Magnus Bane if he didn't survive it, didn't find a way to battle through it all.

First and foremost, he's a fighter. A lone wolf that keeps on walking.

And if losing Alec has taught him one thing, is that he'll have to learn to be his own anchor.


End file.
